Example of Satire

Why You May As Well Stop Complaining and Just Stay With Your Sorry Ass Boyfriend

By: Christina Ayoleke

Relationships are very hard work, especially when your boyfriend  of two years can be a real asshole sometimes. You’ve thought about packing up and leaving, but you’re in love and can’t imagine a life without him so you decide to stay and fight through this life of misery together. Plus, it sure as hell beats being single, so here are a list of reasons why you’re better off keeping him around than starting anew.

So what if he doesn’t have a car.

Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a chauffeur. So when the two of you are headed to that ever-so-romantic dinner at O’Charley’s (for which you’re probably, definitely paying) he can drive. It’s not like he would have let you, a mere woman, behind the wheel anyway.

So what if he doesn’t have a job.

That’s actually a really good thing, because now you have a regular dog walker for Buddy. If you can get him off the couch and away from the Bud Light, that is.

So what if he’s cheating on you.

All that means is he’s not going to be bothering you as much for sex anymore since some other poor girl is taking all of that for you. Thank her, because less sex = more time for How to Get Away with Murder, and you can never have too much of that.

So what if he’s verbally abusive.

How else are you going to know when you’ve been fucking up left and right? Or when you fold his shirts in that horrific way you do? Or when you start packing on a little too much of that not-so-happy weight? Just toughen up a little. Sticks and stones, Sarah. Sticks and stones.

So what if he just asked for a threesome with you and your best friend.

Okay, you can’t be mad at him for this one. This was fucking Kim’s idea, and you know it. She’s been eyeing him for months now, walking around in those yoga pants like she’s hot shit. You should probably just give in on this one, too. You don’t want to be the lame girlfriend. Besides, it could be way worse. He could have just left you for her, but he didn’t.

See, he’s a good guy after all!